New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
