Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
