Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
