i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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