I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
