i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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