I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
