I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
