oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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