Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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