if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
