You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
