dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
