You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This is my gift to your gina
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
