There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he fucked my hip out of place.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
