I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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