ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
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Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
These tits shall not be calmed
Success! We fucked roommates!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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