I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
