I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
