I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
