so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
