mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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