I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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