This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
