I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize