i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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