he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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