i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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