News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
