Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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