im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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