There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
