I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
