Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
