I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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