I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
