oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize