my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
