Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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