Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
