turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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