I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
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