remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
