your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I party with great urgency now.
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