my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
