I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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