allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
