You're completely useless in the revolution.
I faked an abortion last night.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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