Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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