Kareoke will never be a sober sport
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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