Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
