proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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