No stitches, just platelets and will power
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
