If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
