just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
