is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
