Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
