I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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