i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize