OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
