You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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