Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
